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Whenever my dad comes to visit…
…he will always disappear at some point over the weekend. I’ll look around the house and ask the boys, “Where’s Opa?” before realizing with a forehead slap that he’s either downstairs fixing a broken lamp or shower drain, or outside washing our car and filling it with gas.
My dad’s love language is acts of service, and his hyper-specific version is fixing up his kids’ stuff. Sometimes my sister and I will text each other a photo of him doing that, along with the teary emoji 🥹. We always feel very moved!
The five love languages in pop psychology, as you probably know, are:
* words of affirmation (saying sweet things, telling someone you love them)
* acts of service (making dinner, hanging with kids while they sleep in)
* quality time
* physical touch (snuggling, shoulder rubs, holding hands)
* gifts (meaningful things, they don’t have to be expensive!)
What are your love languages, if you had to pick one or two? And, even more specificially, how do you show your love languages in your own personal ways?
For example, Anton LOVES a bedtime cuddle (physical touch), while Toby always wants to chat before falling asleep (quality time). Even when he was little, and I’d ask if he wanted a story or song, Toby would say, “Mama, let’s just talk.”
Meanwhile, I’m a big sucker for words of affirmation —write me a love letter and I’ll be yours forever. But my sister once wrote out a list of things she loved about her husband, and he could barely read it; all that affectionate attention made him squirmy. Instead, he teared up when she randomly picked up his dry-cleaned suits: “Omg, you love me,” he exclaimed, after spotting them in the closet (acts of service!).
My friend Nikki has helped me pick out first-date outfits. “Styling my friends is my distinct love language,” she told me. “Overall, I’m definitely acts of service — I get a high off helping people. When someone has a baby, that’s when I am at my peak.”
My dad’s other love language is making sure we’re fully stocked with European cereals.
What about you? Do you love making someone an epic tuna melt? Do you feel adored when presented with a bouquet of bodega flowers? Are you happiest when your legs are draped over someone’s lap on the sofa? Tell me your specific love languages below!
P.S. My sister’s awesome dating tip and lesser known love languages.
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Emmy B
June 4, 2024 11:23 am
I love this thread! I immediately think of my own Dad whose love language is Acts of Service, mostly in the form of car maintenance. However, every single time he wants to snack on an apple, he slices it up and carries it on a plate to everyone in the house in whatever room they’re in to see if they want some. It’s so random, but makes me teary just thinking about how sweet he is.
Reply
Kathe
Reply to Emmy B
June 9, 2024 12:34 am
oh my god an Apple Tour i cannot
Reply
Alice
June 1, 2024 6:55 am
I know exactly what to write in a card or letter for any occasion to make someone feel loved or seen or understood. Words and touch for me. A friend of mine who I often fleetingly pass at school gates always gives me a quick hug or shoulder touch and it always lights my day.
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Jenny
June 1, 2024 12:26 am
This is my dad to a T! On his last visit, a car arrived to take him and my mom to the airport and I couldn’t find him. He was screwing in a loose screen on our window! Then before getting into the car, he brought all of our bins in from the curb. Literally acts-of-servicing until the last possible moment! Another Classic George, as my sisters and I call it, is peeling a bunch of garlic and leaving it in the fridge, since of course that is the worst part of dinner prep!
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Alpes
May 31, 2024 8:25 pm
my hyper specific love language is when another mom subtly takes beautiful candid pictures at your kid’s birthday party and sends them to you in a google photos link
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Eva
Reply to Alpes
June 1, 2024 7:53 am
Oh this is lovely. Such a thoughtful and helpful gesture
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Meggie
May 31, 2024 8:01 pm
I don’t like receiving gifts, but I love picking up little things that remind me of people when I’m out & about. I get a high knowing I can translate the phrase, “I see you” into something tangible.
One boyfriend hated it. He wanted REAL, BIG gifts. Whatever. We broke up a long time ago.
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Anna
May 31, 2024 9:43 am
My preferred way to receive love is gifts – but that sounds so tacky and greedy. I’ve always thought a better way to describe it is “this little thing made me think of you.” I’m not looking for an elaborate gift, but I love when my husband, for example, picks up a donut while out walking the dog before I wake up on a Saturday morning. And in 2024, this often takes the form of friends sending memes/Instagram posts/clothes or home goods I may want to buy/etc because they know I’ll like them. “This made me think of you.” It makes me feel seen and understood – and loved.
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Katie S.
Reply to Anna
May 31, 2024 5:41 pm
Same here, Anna! I’ve reframed gifts ‘physical tokens that show I was thought of’. It could literally be a pebble. Or a picture of bird poop on a car. Anything that lets me know I’m worthy of taking up heart and head space in another, and that tells me I do in fact I exist outside of myself if even for a moment.
Reply
Cassie
Reply to Anna
May 31, 2024 6:36 pm
That is such a beautiful … and really more accurate way of putting it! Love it.
Reply
Mariah
May 30, 2024 3:29 pm
omg Alpen (no sugar) with blueberries is my hyperfixation meal at the moment…I’m obsessed. I look forward to it every day and have to stop myself from having it for all three meals. I randomly picked it up when it was on sale and my life is changed forever.
My love language is acts of service for sure and its the one I love to do for people! With that said, I I kinda like them all, I also love quality time- like reading side by side in comfortable silence or doing errands together, going to the spa or grabbing dinner 1:1. If I REALLY feel comfortable around people, I love having my hair played with or when I was little family would give me face tickles. I’m also a hugeeee fan of thoughtful, unexpected gifts too. Words of affirmations mostly make me squirm, but the rare times they land without me crawling out of my own skin, they are life changing. I think overall, its just the thoughtfulness or genuine-nature of whatever it is that really makes the difference. If it feels forced or routine, I’d rather nothing.
My exhusband used to say that the fact I loved acts of service made him feel like a slave and he resented me deeply for it. He also resented my birthday and felt like it was a burden (his words) to have to think of something to get me. It’s been something I’ve had to work through in therapy on accepting my own inclinations and not feel guilty. So I understand some of the comments about the love languages being potentially damaging to relationships.
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Mimi
May 30, 2024 9:06 am
I’m here for dispelling a publicly held perception, so one thing I love about this string is talk about how thoughtful the men in our lives are. Hear me out–it’s refreshing in the same way that it is refreshing to dispel myths about boys not being as caring or sensitive as girls. In my house, if there is a lazy oaf that leaves their socks on the floor…it’s me!
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Laura
May 30, 2024 7:39 am
When it’s time to present the cake and sing “Happy Birthday” at a kid birthday party, I always grab the phone of the mom and tell her and the dad to go stand behind their child so they can be in the birthday photos. I love taking a quick snapshot of the parents looking adoringly at their child for the candid photos, everyone’s huge genuine smiles for the posed photo right after the candles are blown out!
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Lacey
May 29, 2024 7:28 pm
Reading the comments has reminded me that I have a long list of copied text messages from friends on my bday (and other days) that compliment me. Must be words of affirmation :)
For giving, I love opening up my home and any other assets to friends. I’ll be gone a weekend, need to borrow my car or sleep in my bed? Ha! I have barrels and barrels of apples from my tree, come take some!
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J W
May 29, 2024 6:56 pm
One way I show love is by giving great recommendations. Anything from local restaurants to a trusted mechanic to great travel destinations to the perfect novel. Nothing makes me happier than contributing to someone’s nice day/good experience. I also love setting people up! In my 20’s, it was romantic connections. Now, most of my friends are partnered or not interested in dating, but I love to set people up as friends. Getting just the right energy dynamic/interest combinations just right is one of my favorite things. So if I had to name these in a single love language, I’d say I show love by paying attention to details and trying to make things a little brighter for others.
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Francesca
Reply to J W
May 29, 2024 9:58 pm
This is mine also! Having the right thing to recommend (food, face serum, restaurant, song, poem, shampoo…..you name it) people I care about is so helpful to them and makes me useful and special.
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Emma
May 29, 2024 3:26 pm
I saved a tweet once that was like: “No one talks enough about the sixth love language (being annoying),” and sent it to my partner and everyone in my family because we all love teasing & pranks & pestering each other (but in a fun way!).
Reply
Saraz
Reply to Emma
May 29, 2024 5:57 pm
It’s true! I always illicit some uncomfortable reactions if I attempt to tease – it’s truly foreign to me. When friends rib me a little, though? My heart swells at their gentle mockery, ha!
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Mmr
Reply to Emma
June 2, 2024 6:36 am
I was telling my therapist this fun prank I thought would be funny to pull on my boyfriend and she asked me “do you even like him” and I was like of course I do I would never prank someone I didn’t like! the more I tease/prank the more I love you! She had a hard time understanding it tbh lol
She thought it was me getting aggression out but I truly feel like I do those things out of love and it’s how I show that I care and want to spend time thinking about someone! And teasing when it is done right lets the other person feel seen I think! There’s a line between teasing and being mean though i feel I am really good at walking and not everyone is, one of my talents I guess lol
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Hillary
May 29, 2024 3:24 pm
First, Alpen is our fav circle around here! Smiled seeing your dad holding the box proudly.
Ah, love language. Baking comes to mind. I bake for everyone including pets.
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Hillary
Reply to Hillary
May 29, 2024 5:00 pm
Favorite cereal. Typo lol…
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Katie
May 29, 2024 3:15 pm
Im shocked no one has mentioned this yet, but the same Christian guy who wrote about love languages also wrote about apology languages. While ultimately with the apologies he is just listening the components of an apology, it helped me figure out what part of apologizing I actually need to hear. https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/apology-language
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Kirby
Reply to Katie
May 31, 2024 7:50 pm
I had never heard of this – so I followed the link (thank you) and now I’m going to be deep diving into it all weekend. – As an aside, every question in the quiz I could not help but ‘read it’ in the tone of the best friend who I don’t really see anymore after we had a falling out. I guess I am now seeing that her apology at the time for what she did was not sincere in the way I needed it to be. I really appreciate this. Thanks.
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Megan
May 29, 2024 1:33 pm
I was just reading through these thinking how I don’t know my love language and then walked out to the kitchen and saw that my husband had prepped dinner, cleaned the fridge, made a grocery list, and left me a smoothie in the fridge. The immediate tears would seem to indicate that I’m an acts of service person cause man do I feel loved right now.
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Justine
May 29, 2024 12:46 pm
I totally think this is a fun conversation but also that it’s important to know the origins of the concept of “love languages” — there were conjured up by a Baptist pastor who did not have any psychological training, for questionable reasons… https://coveteur.com/love-languages
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Rose
Reply to Justine
May 29, 2024 4:23 pm
I see now your love language is researching what a subject’s origin story is and changing the vibe of the room. Brave!
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Janet
Reply to Justine
May 29, 2024 5:04 pm
+1, Justine! I agree on both counts—it’s a fun conversation AND it’s important to note that the origins are problematic.
Now, Rose, was that really necessary? Hope your day gets better.
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Anouk
Reply to Justine
May 29, 2024 5:34 pm
Thanks for the link to the article!
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Jess
Reply to Justine
May 29, 2024 7:25 pm
Thank you! I was wincing when I saw this post, though I do love the idea of dialing in to what lights us up with others. Can we all agree the OG content of love languages is a bit bunk and from now on use the term to refer to quirky things we love doing for others?
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Rose
Reply to Justine
May 30, 2024 6:59 pm
@JANET – yes it was necessary (for me). Statements like- I TOTALLY think this is FUN BUT let me tell you why what YOU LOVE is problematic – annoys me. Don’t mask a criticism behind a smooth-over. Just criticize and face the consequences.
My love language is words of affirmation ;-)
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Cassie
Reply to Justine
May 31, 2024 7:20 pm
I think thats why she called it pop-psychology is because it’s become prevalent in popular culture.
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Lindsey
May 29, 2024 10:52 am
One of the questions I love to ask my friends is how did you learn what love feels like to you?
I have such a distinct memory of going on a mountainous hike with my college boyfriend and his friends a few months into us dating, even though I was feeling like I was just starting to come down with a cold. My nose was running as I labored up the trail, and he offered me the sleeve of his neon blue Patagonia fleece to wipe my nose (knowing, I guess, that I wouldn’t try to blow my nose on my own clothes) — I know it’s kind of gross, but my twenty-year old self felt so cared for by that gesture.
A few weeks into dating my current boyfriend, it was my half-birthday, which I jokingly alerted him to, (mostly to *subtly* emphasize how old I am [32.5!] and how seriously I am taking finding a compatible person), and he turned up at my house with “half” a birthday card with a really sweet message inside filling up half the page. It lives on my fridge now. :)
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anon
May 29, 2024 10:30 am
realizing with a thunderbolt a few weeks ago that my 8 year old son’s love language is quality time and physical touch has transformed our evening routine. i used to read to him – always with an eye on the clock (need to return emails! he needs to sleep! there are so many more steps to go through!). now, we get into his bed, and i scratch his back while we listen to an audiobook chapter in the dark.
i think (but am not sure) that my daughter’s love language is words of affirmation coupled with quality touch. experimenting with this now in her bedtime routine.
it’s amazing how much stronger and resilient our bond is when they feel one hundred percent loved the way they want to be.
Reply
Kara
Reply to anon
June 3, 2024 12:29 pm
I really love applying this to kids and you’ve made me reflect on my 3 and their preferred way to be loved. thank you <3
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Ess
May 29, 2024 9:56 am
My love language is organizing the meal train for anyone with a loss or new baby or other big life event. Or just offering to bring by dinner if someone is struggling.
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Jenn
May 29, 2024 9:54 am
I recently stumbled upon the idea that our toxic traits often mirror the opposite of our love language. Isn’t that fascinating?
Think about it: someone who loves acts of service might never ask for help, and those who crave quality time might isolate themselves. If physical touch is their thing, they might avoid it when stressed. Gift givers could lean into impulsive shopping, and people who thrive on words of affirmation might go silent. It explains so much, don’t you think?
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reba
Reply to Jenn
May 29, 2024 5:49 pm
It does! I am definitely an “acts of service” person (she types, before leaving to set up her parents’ new TV set-top box on the way to the blood donation center) and I am terrible at asking for help and then I feel sorry for myself because…no one reads my mind to offer the precise help that I need. It’s like I punish myself by taking away what I most value: I know right where it hurts.
Reply
Amy
Reply to Jenn
May 29, 2024 7:10 pm
Jenn & Reba – so fascinating to think about!
“Someone who loves acts of service might never ask for help” – I have definitely noticed this tendency in myself and some others.
Reply
Liz.
Reply to Jenn
May 29, 2024 7:40 pm
ooh, that’s such an interesting idea! I never thought of it that way, but i love that.
so often, our strengths can also be our downfall. this is also true with enneagram!
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Anna
Reply to Jenn
May 31, 2024 9:30 am
Ooh this is so interesting – my husband is 100% an acts-of-service guy but he HATES accepting help from others. It can drive me nuts. Like, we just had a baby! Let someone bring us dinner!
And I am 100% a gifts person and also an impulsive shopper…
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Kandy
May 29, 2024 9:51 am
Right before my grandfather passed away my mother said, ‘he never told me he loved me’. And it broke my heart. I gave his eulogy and it listed all the ways my grandfather said I love you. It was when he came over in the middle of the night to fix the heat, when he made sure your bike was ready to ride each summer, when you came to visit and he’d check your oil, when he would drop everything to take you for a boat ride, every time he helped you move, and everything he did to make sure your home and car were safe. His love was quiet and efficient.
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Sydni
Reply to Kandy
May 29, 2024 3:47 pm
This made me teary :)
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Kirby
Reply to Kandy
May 29, 2024 6:10 pm
Oh that is both sad and beautiful. I used to think the same thing about my dad, but then one day he said I reminded him of his mum. He never said he loved her either, but I know he did because his face goes soft when he remembers her. He tells me about his wonderful childhood, and I cannot look at blackberry jam without thinking about him and her. So I know, that for him to see her in me was like a million stars exploding. But also it’s the things he does every single day. I love that you wrote that speech – I bet it was beautiful to everyone who was there, especially your grandfather who I hope was hovering around for the occasion.
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Katie
May 29, 2024 9:43 am
A love language of mine is being teased! I know it sounds weird, but it makes me feel so very seen to have someone pick up on something silly that I do and tease me for it, in a funny way of course. Anyone else?
Reply
Joanna Goddard
Author
Reply to Katie
May 29, 2024 11:39 am
awww I love this, Katie! I agree, of course when it comes in a good-natured way. also nicknames!!! my college boyfriend would nickname everyone and you always felt so special and loved :)
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Mia
Reply to Katie
May 29, 2024 12:48 pm
Or when someone comes over and just helps themselves to something from your fridge. It feels great to have someone be so at ease with you!
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Susie
Reply to Katie
May 29, 2024 2:28 pm
So interesting! Made me recall that my ex-boyfriend found gentle teasing very upsetting. I thought I was being loving and indicating that I found his “flaws” charming. Ugh, I was so wrong! It was hard to find out that I had actually hurt his feelings. And worse, that he thought it was intentional.
Reply
Anna
Reply to Katie
May 31, 2024 9:34 am
Katie, this is so interesting, and something I have talked about a lot with my husband. He grew up in a very outwardly loving, warm family in which teasing is a way people show affection. I, on the other hand, grew up with a parent with a personality disorder who never teased in a loving way but did often put me down or make backhanded disparaging comments. To me, teasing feels mean. I have had to talk a lot with my husband about why I don’t like it and feel hurt even though that’s clearly not his intention.
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TAM
May 29, 2024 9:21 am
My receiving love language is gifts…in the form of travel. I met my husband while traveling and that’s the thing we both love to do together. My husband learned early on in our marriage not to buy me gifts because I’m so picky and I dislike clutter and dusting. But if he says let’s book a trip or doesn’t wince when I say let’s book a trip then I’m the happiest camper that ever lived.
My giving love language is probably acts of service like making dinner, keeping the house tidy and clean, running errands for us like groceries and car wash, etc.
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Meghan
May 29, 2024 9:18 am
Acts of service is how I show love. Specifically feeding my loved ones – either through a home-cooked dinner, meal-prepping lunches for my husband, or my personal favorite: baking cookies using my beloved grandma’s recipe that I know by heart.
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Caro
May 29, 2024 9:07 am
I have a bit of social anxiety and I have a friend who I see from time to time (she’s fabulous and so funny)- and whenever the interaction ends and the usual “Let’s get together soon” comes out of my mouth, she’ll say, “Or not! We don’t have to! We’ll see each other when we see each other”. And this release of pressure just makes me feel so seen. I’ve told her this, too and her response was essentially, “You got it, girl!”.
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Dana
May 29, 2024 8:53 am
I never thought of myself as a “physical touch” girl but my husband is and shows me love in many ways but that way specifically. After 11 years of marriage and turning 40, he still will grab my butt while I am walking by. He will still spin me around and make out with me in our kitchen. He still keeps things very sexy and to be desired after kids, weight gain, long days at work etc. is an incredible feeling. So many of my friends don’t have the same intimacy and it makes me realize how lucky we are and it makes me feel sexy, special, and so loved!
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Stacey
May 29, 2024 8:25 am
In my family, our love language is acts of service – specifically, giving you a ride somewhere. I think it’s because throughout my childhood, my parents always made me feel like I could call them any time, from anywhere, if I needed to come home.
When I was 11, my family moved from South Africa to the UK. Every time we flew back into Cape Town, my wonderful grandfather would be the one there to pick us up. Even now, 15 years after he passed away, I still miss him deeply and I picture him in Arrivals whenever our plane touches down.
If I love you, I will always give you a ride to or from the airport, no matter the hour. It’s my way of holding his memory close. It means everything: I love you. I miss you. I’m so glad you’re here.
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J F
May 29, 2024 7:33 am
Special soap is my super specific one. I love to give a little basket of soap for people as a housewarming or other gift, but when I see my parents and my mom has a limited edition scent or fancy soap put aside for me that she saw at the store, it makes me so happy.
Reply
Kirby
Reply to J F
May 29, 2024 6:13 pm
Oh hello sister! I am 100% with you on this. I day dream about opening a shop that just sells the most amazing soaps. My husband says that I do not like people enough to open a shop, I should just be content with spending inordinate amounts of money on soap (and candles) that are made from hand-picked flowers that grow on Umbrian hilltops (and if they’re picked by monks even better).
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Kate B
May 29, 2024 7:22 am
My love languages are definitely gifts (I’m a very good gift giver) and cooking – I love to cook and while I have a very strong sense of what foods I like, I have no issues making something catered to a guest’s dietary needs. In terms of what I like in return, basically everyone except my Dad and my in laws gets gifts for me completely wrong (my Mum is a notoriously terrible gift giver – she gave my brother a set of towels for his 30th birthday and couldnt understand why we all gently ribbed her, and she once gave my husband a small smurf figurine. He has no interest in smurfs and has never mentioned them before. My brother once gave me pixie shoe shaped slippers made out of rainbow felt…). My Dad is not handy in any way shape or form but bought me the most beautiful watercolour of plants and their pollinators from an art exhibition, just because. I think words of affirmation is what I most like in return, which is a bit weird because my husband is terrible at that but my boss is great at it.
Reply
PNW Grateful
Reply to Kate B
May 29, 2024 7:25 pm
Those slippers sound awesome. I love towels ! Especially kitchen towels. I’m crazy about them. :)
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Lauren
May 29, 2024 5:56 am
My husband is 1000% acts of service. He does the dishes every night, and wakes up early on the weekends to change our kids diapers and play with them while I get a little extra sleep. Funnily enough I am used to showing love through gifts (I love finding unique gifts for my loved ones that are perfectly suited to them) but he hates gifts! I’ve learned not to be offended by this and that physical touch is always the way to go with him. A five minute head rub is so much more appreciated than anything I could buy him.
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Alice
May 29, 2024 5:43 am
Mine is REMEBERING THINGS!! I have a brilliant memory for names and relationships and details- the number of times I’ve asked after someone’s sister in law who was having health troubles, or a co-worker’s husband who was going for a promotion, or a friend of a friend’s new baby etc and am met with “How do you REMEMBER this stuff!?”- but it’s just second nature to me! I think it makes people feel very seen, which is all we really ever want, right?
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Kimberly
Reply to Alice
May 29, 2024 6:23 pm
That is my superpower, too! I also have to remind myself not to be offended when others don’t remember details the way I do (but when someone *does* remember something I told them it makes me feel so loved!).
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Sana
May 29, 2024 2:46 am
I’ve just been experiencing a really hard recovery post surgery last week and the best things were talking and voicenoting with friends and family (quality time) and a friend sending me vegan brownies in the mail which I tripped over getting in the door after overdoing it and almost passing out and promptly inhaled, as well as my mum buying me a bright yellow scrunchie which made me feel pretty at a time I felt very dissociated from my body (gifts). I never really care about gifts when you are supposed to receive them (xmas birthdays) but I love a random, small, tailored to you, brighten your day gift!
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Katy
May 29, 2024 2:25 am
Aww my heart from reading all these comments 💜💜
My mom expresses love long distance with care packages with the most random things. She knows my sister liked burritos—sends a can of beans. I like almonds—giant ziplock bag of almonds. She will never not want to feed us and show us she listens. It feels good to see her express that to us.
My hyper specific expression is:
Voicemails. I save them all. And love to leave them. Just hearing someone’s voice saying hi warms me right up. I like when my friend just calls and narrates her day and then says bye. I’m so here for that.
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Agnès
May 29, 2024 1:45 am
My love language is writing letters or, to the people in my house, little notes… friends who stay in my house are also leaving notes everywhere and they now cover some of our walls. It feels like a warm hug every day! Also, i can’t help gifting books, it’s like an urge. I am always worried people don’t have anything to read ( what would they do without a book?).
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PNW Grateful
Reply to Agnès
May 29, 2024 7:33 pm
I gift books too. To kids and adults. I love researching kids books, i.e. illustrators etc and finding just the right ones. As far as notes left in the house for family ? Omg I’ve been married almost 40 years. I have notes going back to before we were married, all through the years with our daughter. We worked opposite shifts, so many were communicating what to do, what needs done, etc. ( no texting back then ! ) WELL, I saved every one and we crack up laughing every time we come upon them. They are hilarious to share with our daughter too. SO funny !! And touching
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Nicole
May 29, 2024 12:58 am
I kinda want them all. Like, bring me a lil treat and do some of my chores and then spend time with me, rubbing my feet and telling me I’m beautiful 😂
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Laura
Reply to Nicole
May 29, 2024 3:09 pm
hahaha I relate very much to this!!
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Saraz
Reply to Nicole
May 29, 2024 6:03 pm
YES. This is the dream! :D
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Siné
May 29, 2024 12:27 am
Reading aloud and book recommendations. Being the giver or receiver of these two things are definitely my obscure love language.
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Megan
May 29, 2024 12:17 am
I don’t know what category it is just to be thoughtful but my dad has a nice way of sending you articles you’d be interested in, texting when there’s a great segment on the Sunday morning show. We also screenshot our weekly energy usage by day to compare notes every single week right when we get the email. We use the same energy provider so we see who “wins” every time. It’s a tiny thing but just a good reminder that he’s thinking about me. Love my dad.
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Tessa
May 28, 2024 11:47 pm
I think it’s acts of service from my husband. Often, when one of my (lovely and loud) children says “Mom” and he’s closer to them, he says “I’m right here what do you need?” It’s so romantic to fall on the grenade of whatever the insane 4 year old thinks he needs at this moment in time.
And if school pickup was a mess and he can tell my nerves are shot coming in the door with hungry and tired kids, he makes me a gin and tonic while he finishes dinner.
When we moved into a new house my parents came to visit and my dad asked where I wanted dimmer switches so he could go get and install them. I thought of him every time I used them. It felt like such silly thing to do when we were unpacking a whole house and he was so right!
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Erin
May 28, 2024 11:43 pm
Love that your dad still wants to do the dad things, adorable!
My giving love languages are acts of service (especially cooking) and quality time… I love playing games with my children.
It’s so funny how what we like to give can be so different than what we like to receive. I definitely like physical touch and words of affirmation.
And my kids are definitely all about the gifts. I like the diversity though, everyone brings something different to the table.
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Becca
May 28, 2024 11:35 pm
My love language is giving people free child and pet care (and receiving it!). There is nothing that makes me feel more loved than someone offering, nay, INSISTING, they watch my child either when they know I need it or as a random offer as we approach the weekend. I practically jump down my sister’s throat when she says she’ll be traveling to say we’ll watch her cat. It’s a special blend of saving someone significant money + giving them the peace of mind that their most precious beloved is being cared for by someone who loves them.
Obviously, more generally my love language is acts of service.
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Ann
May 28, 2024 11:34 pm
Is your father Dutch/Flemish? I was surprised to hear you call him ‘opa’?
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Jenny
May 28, 2024 11:23 pm
I have such a love/hate view of love languages. My partner is 1000% acts of service. I’m 1000% word of affirmation. I’m never going to automatically fill that cup for him (literally). He’s never going to regularly (or ever) tell me I’m exceeding all expectations.
But. He puts gas in my car and loads the dishwasher every night. And I tell him almost every day what an amazing dad he is to our kids.
We love each other in the best way we can. It’s not always what I need. But I know it’s what he can give.
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Shila
May 28, 2024 11:18 pm
I love writing and receiving handwritten mail! It gives me such a thrill to send a note or a postcard. I also love making tea or coffee or folks with love.
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Anna
Reply to Shila
May 31, 2024 9:38 am
Me too, Shila! I absolutely love getting a note or card, in the mail or otherwise, and I save them all. I have boxes and boxes of all the notes and cards I have received since I was about 12 years old.
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Sarah
May 28, 2024 10:51 pm
I am 100% physical touch. I need cuddles and kisses and hugs and butt squeezes. I often tell my husband that my “cuddle gauge” is low and he does a great job of stopping what he’s doing and cuddling me. He’s also very patient when I tackle hug him and smother his face in kisses. My husband’s love language is acts of service. Handling chores, doing research on what kind of dishwasher to buy, running errands, grabbing me a treat while he’s out. I have chronic osteoarthritis in my lower back and it puts me out often – my husband is happy to take care of me and everything around the house while I’m sitting with a heating pad.
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Deana
May 28, 2024 10:40 pm
First of all, your dad is so cute! My love languages are acts of service and quality time because these take more effort than gifts, touch, or words, and thus seem more meaningful.
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MHP
May 28, 2024 9:53 pm
Acts of touch. I express my love that way and adore being held. My grandparents walked absolutely everywhere holding hands. They had a three squeeze code which meant “I love you.” I have taught it to my three children. There is nothing better than when they slip their little hands into mine and we can silently communicate while walking down the sidewalk.
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P L
May 28, 2024 9:28 pm
When someone says “My love language is…” is it the way they show love, or the way they like to receive it? They’re not necessarily the same, and I’m not sure why I can’t figure this out! Seems like it’s used interchangeably?
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Deana
Reply to P L
May 29, 2024 2:54 pm
Right – to me it’s all about the recipient, because it’s about what makes them feel loved, not the other way around.
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kim
Reply to P L
June 1, 2024 8:49 am
@P L it tends to be both, especially if we don’t know what the other person’s love language is. So we naturally give what we need because it’s what we’re most in tune with. I’m primarily acts of service and when I learned about this concept it explained why my first instinct my whole life has always been to perform a task for someone. My daughter and I are both gifts, and we delight in sending each other fun boxes of treats, little puzzles, new face cream, a book – for no other reason than just because.
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Celeste
May 28, 2024 9:23 pm
The 4 of us were out to dinner and took a love languages quiz. My son refused but I know he’s physical touch. I am words of affirmation. My husband is quality time. My daughter is physical touch.
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Sarah
May 28, 2024 9:22 pm
My love language is giving parking directions. You’re coming to a new place? Let me give you five detailed options and prices for places to park (of course at least one will be a free option), plus how to find the elevator or entry door of the place you’re supposed to be. There will be a screenshot map with highlights and notations.
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Peach
Reply to Sarah
May 30, 2024 11:00 am
::high five::
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Hanna
May 28, 2024 9:20 pm
Mine are talking to people IN DEPTH about books and doing elaborate bride/bridesmaid hair styles with multi-strand french braiding for them.
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Deana
Reply to Hanna
May 29, 2024 2:56 pm
Wow, great skills!
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Rach
May 28, 2024 9:19 pm
So so thankful for my dad who is similar! When I got divorced, he declared himself my landscaper. My yard is faithfully and expertly maintained. He and my mom also started keeping my daughter once a week to give me a breather. She and her Poppy are thick as thieves and it’s both of their favorite day of the week. Last weekend, my kid busted her head open on a friend’s coffee table, and he was there in a flash to accompany me to urgent care for stitches. Dad of the century, man.
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Tanya
May 28, 2024 9:01 pm
As a jumping off point for values, I love this! I watched my mom use the ideas in this book to drive a wedge deeper into her marriage because she only took the position of considering how SHE received love and how my dad could never live up to that.
In my own primary relationship, my spouse thrives on words of affirmation and my work has been to push past my innate “don’t you know that I appreciate/love what you do?” and actually say it. A lot. He needs to hear it.
I thrive on acts of service, so taking out the trash without being asked is a big deal. I’m learning to ask specifically for what needs to be done. “I cannot make time for ______ will you please handle that?” Honestly it’s good for communication in general. My spouse is getting better at asking “Is that someone you’d like to do or should I do it?” We have to work hard at clarity.
Specifically, a clean counter that I didn’t clean. The dishwasher running already when I get home in the evening. A tidy shoe area.
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Ancsa
May 28, 2024 8:56 pm
My love languages are gifts and meatballs. A perfect circle in the Venn Diagram of the Gottman method.
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Jenny
May 28, 2024 8:42 pm
Quality time! But specifically, proximity. We rented a camper van for spring break that I shared with my husband and two young children. We tripped all over each other and I never wanted to leave! When watching a movie recently, we were all sprawled on each other on the sectional. I was touching every member of my family! Even the dog put his head on us! My heart almost exploded!
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Sunny J
Reply to Jenny
May 29, 2024 3:02 pm
This is my husband! He LOVES being touched by everyone at once. I joke that he’s like a dog- put one finger on him and the next thing you know his entire body is draped all over you and his nose is pressed against your nose. Literally! He loves a family dogpile. We put a queen mattress in our living room for Christmas eve and all four of us slept on it (we have two toddlers). It was the WORST, but he was so happy and content haha!
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Brooke
May 28, 2024 8:28 pm
If someone plans any sort of surprise for me I am thrilled. I think my dream date night with my hubby would be him planning for us to do something unexpected. I also love any little surprise from a routine trip to the store. Feel like these could fall under acts of service, quality time, or gifts!
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Laura
May 28, 2024 8:28 pm
Reading this post and comments has me feeling weirdly sad. The last 5ish years have been all about giving giving giving as I raise three young children, but I can’t actually articulate what makes me feel like I’m receiving love. After childcare, work, household tasks etc., my husband and I just totally spent and have so little time and energy for one another. I suppose I feel loved when someone acknowledges that I am a person outside of being a mom.
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Anna
Reply to Laura
May 29, 2024 5:28 pm
Aw Laura, that stage of drowning in motherhood a little is so hard. You are a person worthy of love too. Anyway you can get a few minutes to yourself to journal or think or talk with your spouse or a friend about your own needs? Maybe getting in touch with yourself can help you ask a few people for love in specific ways. Your need for expressions of love is just as important as the kids!
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Lacey
Reply to Laura
May 29, 2024 7:16 pm
Sending love Laura! I’ve been there. You’re doing a better job than you realize, at all the things, I’m sure of it. As a mom of 4, (ages 11-5), I can assure you that your rest is coming. Wishing you some alone time asap. Xo
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J R
May 28, 2024 8:27 pm
My love language is making you an epic cake. My husband’s side is Danish and I learned how to make a kransekake for Christmas (even though I’m not Danish I’m making sure this becomes a tradition!); I make a themed Passover cake every year; I’ve made chocolate cakes and s’mores cakes and and tres leches cakes for birthdays, depending on the preference of the birthday celebrator. When I was in university I made my self-proclaimed trashy (guy) friend a giant hamburger cake with cigarettes as candles – lol. If I love you and it’s your birthday, you are getting a cake.
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Emily
May 28, 2024 8:24 pm
My dad’s love language is “tell me absolutely everything that’s going on in your life.” No detail is too small for him to care about. He finds it all endlessly fascinating.
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kim
Reply to Emily
June 1, 2024 8:58 am
I have told my adult daughter the same thing since she left for college17 years ago. As her mom, I’m thrilled with the inside scoop into a life I to which I had a front-row seat for the first 18 years. In so many sweet ways, she’s still the same at 35 as she was at two years old and I am fascinated with how much she is still who she has always been, no matter the things life has thrown in her path. Tell your dad all the things. He has a special spot in his heart reserved for these treasures. :)
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Anna
May 28, 2024 7:58 pm
My love language is helping people find jobs. Stuck in a toxic workplace? I’ll send you a job posting I think would be perfect for you. Former intern needs a reference let ter? Got you covered! Need someone to proofread your resume? No problem.
I had some really great mentors early on in my career and now I’m trying to pay it forward.
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Catharine
May 28, 2024 7:49 pm
I am a pediatric oncology nurse, my giving and receiving love language is acts of service. Nursing a perfect profession for me because I get to show children and their families every day that they are loved and cared for. I love my job!
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Meg
May 28, 2024 7:31 pm
Some friends and I joke that our love language is sharing screenshots of our favorite outfits from a local thrift shop’s Instagram account. “Thought of you when I saw these shiny boots and skirt with fringe!”
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Peach
May 28, 2024 7:29 pm
I realized that my oldest child likes to share her spotify playlists. If she’s having a blue day, I’ll ask her to put one up on the speaker in the kichen then compliment the songs (which is easy, she has good taste). She gets all glowy when people are enjoying her music picks :)
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Tanya
May 28, 2024 7:26 pm
These are all beautiful to read and made me a little teary as I lost my Dad a year ago. He was quite a restrained man in a noisy emotional family, so he didn’t stand out front and centre, but his love language was keep connected with each of us (my sister and I, and my children) through our whatsapp chat that he set up and named and posted “Teasers” to, and to sending individual messages, usually with linked articles, to each of us about our own interests – often just captioned with “thoughts?”. I miss him terribly.
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Sylvia
May 28, 2024 7:00 pm
memes! laughing!
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Courtney
May 28, 2024 6:32 pm
My dad’s love language is being a real DAD dad. Need a bookshelf? He’ll build it. Need advice on refinancing your mortgage? He’s got it. Think your kid might have ADHD? He’ll talk you through it. (One of) the things that scares me the most about him (some day!) dying is that I won’t have that reliable person to rely on for advice and knowledge about all that grown up stuff.
Personally, I love acts of servie and my husband is great about it. I really love this one type of iced tea that is somehow never in stock so whenever he sees it anywhere he gets it for me. One time I went away on a trip and he painted out whole bedroom (even the ceiling!). Every night, I make dinner, and after I go to bed he washes the pots and pans and cleans the living areas. I probably filled out gas tank once in the last year.
But I love *giving* quality time. Want to go for a walk? Watch a great movie? Read a book? Have dinner together and talk about our days? Hang out and mess around on our phones in the same room? I’m there.
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Rachel
May 28, 2024 6:31 pm
I think my love language is connecting people I love to one another- personally, professionally, romantically once by accident! Knowing people well enough to share them with others is a huge privilege.
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Gia
May 28, 2024 6:20 pm
Awww I looove someone who wants to talk with me forever, so, quality time x10. And then I love giving touch, soft soothing touch ❤️
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Kim J
May 28, 2024 6:09 pm
I love your dad’s acts of service. I didn’t grow up with great parents and I’m always sticking things like this in my back pocket for later use with my kids. I want to visit my kids like this. (They are both under ten now.)
Who doesn’t love a good muesli?
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Mina
May 28, 2024 6:09 pm
My love language is rides. I LOVE getting picked up at the airport or when my husband unexpectedly is out front in the car when I’m done playing tennis. I’ll also happily offer a ride to the airport or home or wherever when I have the chance.
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Patricia
Reply to Mina
May 28, 2024 6:48 pm
This was my dad. I have so many lovely memories of talking in the car or just listening to music ❤
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Josy
Reply to Mina
May 28, 2024 7:54 pm
Haha airport rides are my FAVORITE. I feel so loved when I get a ride home from the airport!
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Kelly simmons
Reply to Mina
May 28, 2024 8:35 pm
I always say “I was raised by people who pick you up at the airport, not by people who tell you to grab a taxi.” :)
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Grace
Reply to Mina
May 28, 2024 11:46 pm
Me too! I grew up in a rural place, with a mom
Who didn’t like to drive. Getting rides was always A THING (looking back, I can empathize with my mom : picking us up from ballet was an hour in the car for her).
I LOVE getting a ride. I am always so appreciative of it.
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Megan
Reply to Mina
May 29, 2024 12:05 am
Yes! We live an hour from the airport so we always pick people up when they come to visit without question. My husband and I get so frustrated when we fly to visit family and they have us take a Lyft when they don’t even have to go as far. Like we just flew 8 hours, you can’t come get us?! It’s crazy to me.
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Katie
Reply to Mina
May 29, 2024 12:43 am
Ysaaass, Mina! Someone picking me up at the airport? I die! And I’ll happily go get anyone, anywhere. One time my bestie picked me up after a long work trip to Asia & brought my dog to get me. My dog! I was in heaven, riding home with her in my lap – nothing better.
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Mariana
Reply to Mina
May 29, 2024 5:03 am
I just realised that this is my dad’s love language as well! He always offers to drive us wherever we need and insists on dropping and picking us up at the airport :)
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Emily
May 28, 2024 6:07 pm
I thrive on quickly finding the perfect GIF to send someone in response to a conversation point. It’s such a quick, satisfying, funny way for me to show someone I’m paying attention and I believe almost any conversation can benefit from a little dose of humor.
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Deb
Reply to Emily
May 29, 2024 4:09 am
I would love some education as to how to do this. Is it an innate skill? Can it be learned? Sometimes you know what sort of gif would be perfect then you just can’t find it but it must exist, it must!
Reply
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